I got myself ready for Jim and Wendy to pick me up at 8.30 and off we went into Paisley to savour as many pints of "filthy danger juice" as we could manage. Wendy's police body armour was in the back seat of the car and I considered asking her if I could borrow it as we were going to the stab capital of Scotland, but I had a feeling that she would have declined.
Jim and I had to wait about 15 minutes in the queue as they were only letting people in as other people left since it was so busy, but it was such a pleasent night that we didn't mind. We eventually got in and payed our fiver and collected our pint tumbler and entered the main hall.
It didn't take long to find Thomas, Kath, James and Susan who were sitting in the middle of the floor eating rather dodgy looking German sausages. Kath immediately voiced her concern that Thomas was being a drunken arsehole, well he had been there since about 3.00, and I saw what she meant.The Ginger one was minging, Portrush Pig wasn't much better and the Portrush Sow was trying her best to hide it. Jim and I looked at each other. If you can't beat them, join'em!
Off we went to the bar and got a couple of beers which suprisingly tasted pretty good. The bar staff had obviously been on a Busman's holiday and were a bit pished themselves with one of them in particular looking like a heart attack on legs. I reminded Jim that if he went down, I was off duty!
We rejoined the others who had found a man who seemed to take his Beer Festivals seriously and had a drinking horn (I don't know the correct name, but I'm sure that one of you will tell me). Never one to miss a photo opportunity, we let him join us. Kath commented that my shirt was a bit "retro" and I'm still not sure if she insulted me or not and we got a surprise when a short while later Jim Muir arrived with some of his mates and joined us briefly.
The standard pose when someone takes your photo at a beer festival
Mr Snelling gets a bit horny!
We got a phone call from Hammey who was out celebrating his wedding anniversary saying that he was coming to meet us at the Beer Festival, romantic old Devil that he is, Kay, you're a lucky woman! Anyway after we had sank another Real Ale and Thomas and Snelling's behaviour became a bit more "troublesome". Hammey called back to say that he wasn't coming and asked if we would meet him in the Last Post.
So we made our way round to meet them with our pint tumblers in plastic bags. Surely a recipe for disaster on the streets of Paisley? Kay was at the door to make sure the bouncers let us in since she used to be the landlady of this particular establishment (think of Bet Lynch, with ginger hair).
Bit of a culture shock hit us. No noise, no music and no atmosphere. We stayed for one and enticed Hammey and Kay to join our merry band as we went to O'Nealls in New Street which is my local and the place to be on a Friday night.We found a seat in the corner and got a round of drinks in for what should have been a nice relaxing wind down for the night. I should've known better...
Hammey made the mistake of letting us see a present that he had for his daughter, Sophie. A small, yellow, fluffy toy bird which is perfect for a 5 year-old, but shouldn't be given to drunk men in their thirties as the picture below illustrates.
Kath looks concerned as Thomas risks contracting Bird Flu, all in the name of fun!
Jim & I try our best to stay sober
The pub was bouncing and it wasn't long before we were up dancing on the tables to the toons. Fair play to the person who made those tables, they were obviously built to last with us lot on top of them they were put to the ultimate test.
Just to add to the excitement, Thomas decided to try biting the exposed electrical cable of the light that we were dancing under. As you can see from our smiles we were deeply concerned for his welfare! Also, you can see that I am touching him just incase he needed to be earthed.
Don't try this at home kids!
Me and my baldy, ginger friend
Portrush and Thomas were, by now absolutely pished and were ready to leave the pub despite the fact that the rest of us were quite happy to stay there, so they decided to try and get us chucked out of the pub by being as anti-social as possible.
Snelling started the ball rolling by swinging one of the chairs around above his head much to the amusement of us but much to the consternation of the people sitting nearby who left soon after.
The couple of fannies then had a bit more room to play after that and they to used it to their advantage by having an all in wrestling match in the middle of the pub. It wasn't pretty as the two heavyweights battled it out.
In the blue corner weighing in at 400 pounds was the Portrush Pig and in the red corner, a lightweight by comparison , weighing in at a mere 300 pounds was Ginger Tommy.
Still, the bouncers would not chuck us out. I think that they were too busy laughing at us to be honest. Next came a breakdancing contest which I declined to join incase I got my "retro" shirt got dirty, and I was still sober.
Things came to a head when the pair of them gave up trying to be ejected by the bouncers and just decided to grab us and leave. Thomas unceremoniously threw me over his shoulder and walked out of the pub.
I guess it was time to go home.
We staggered round to the taxi rank and went our seperate ways. Jim was kind enough to drop me off first in the taxi and I crawled into bed at 1.30 am.
I was up for work in 4 hours time and I knew it was going to be a long day. At least I wouldn't be looking after any patients who had fallen off of tables, bitten electrical cables or hurt themselves whilst wrestling.
Then again, being Paisley, anything is possible!
